Embryo-a-Go-Go
EXT. GABORTION HOUSE (DAYTIME)
CARDBOARD CLOUDS AND A STAGELIGHT SUN HANG OVER A WOODEN HOUSE; IN FRONT OF WHICH IS A FLOWERBED WHICH IS BROWNIE BATTER AND GUMMY WORMS. THERE IS A CAR MADE OF PAPER IN THE DRIVEWAY.
INT. GABORTION HOUSE (DAYTIME)
THE GABORTION SISTERS ARE STOOD AROUND A PREGNANT WOMAN WHOSE LEGS ARE SPLAYED IN GYNECOLOGICAL EXAMINATION. EVA HOLDS A HAMMER AND CHISEL, MAGDA DETAINS A PITBULL RAW WITH RABIES, AND ZSA ZSA IS UNFURLING A METAL HANGER.
ZSA ZSA
Hello, I am Zsa Zsa. My sisters and I are proud to announce to you, our prospective customers, a new and lucrative opportunity. A mutual behoovement I will be explaining to you as soon as the rubber in my face stops moving.
ZSA ZSA PUTS BOTH HANDS TO THE APPLES OF HER CHEEKS AND SMOOTHS THEM IN RUBBING MOTIONS. HER HEAD TREMBLES FROM THE BASE OF HER SKULL.
MAGDA
That's right, dear sister. Hello, I'm Magda. My sisters would agree I wield of the sharpest wit of our triplet. But that is only half true; I also have the thinnest ribs. Our company is one which will provide you with affordable prenatal services. I'll let our youngest sister, star of the acclaimed TV sitcom, Green Cancres, Eva, elaborate.
MAGDA TURNS HER OPEN PALM AND OUTSTRETCHED ARM TO EVA, WHO ENTERS SIMULATING THE ACTION OF CASTING A FISHING LINE TO THE CAMERA. HER GAIT IS THAT OF SOMEONE WHOSE MOUTH STILL BURNS WITH LIQUOR.
EVA (ENTER)
I can't wait to try, Magda. If you were able to hear her through the spit collecting in her dentures you were informed our business practices apply to women who are in the spring of their conception.
After a single home visit we will have implemented instruments of bodily vandalism and biological conflagration which will make it impossible for your gestation to rear anything more alive or solid than a bowl of pudding.
THE THREE SISTERS GATHER IN THE CENTER OF THE SCENE AND IN TANDEM SAY (EMPHASIZING THE HUNGARIAN HONEY IN THEIR VOICES):
Embryo-a-Go-Go!
ZSA ZSA STEPS FORWARD; EVA AND MAGDA EXIT.
ZSA ZSA
We measure our success by customer satisfaction and after a few months of transaction we have only taken the lives of multiple women and caused two house fires. Thankfully, the frauline were miserable and the homeowners did not have insurance; the Gabortion sisters are passing the savings onto you!
ZSA ZSA THROWS BOTH INDEX FINGERS AND A WINK AT THE CAMERA. SHE STEPS IN FRONT OF A CHALKY BATHTUB.
ZSA ZSA
Our shareholders weren't more excited than we showed them our prototype for a bathtub made of soap. It is nearly impossible to escape the cistern without immense and painful contusion. Research shows that the vast amount of physical stress produced by our bathtubs are more than enough to overwhelm your fetus into expiration. While you recover in the hospital your disintegrating child will provide your body with the essential nutrients you need to heal.
EVA ENTERS HOLDING A BOTTLE OF CLEANING FLUID AND ZSA ZSA EXITS. EVA FRAMES THE BOTTLE WITH HER HANDS.
EVA (ENTER)
Apt, sister. Show me a women who doesn’t enjoy a tidy home and I’d pray for that woman a hell which is sad and damp. Our signature Mustard Glass cleaning fluid is perfect for the mother with an allergy to latex and dirty bathroom mirrors. Just think: your red wings haven’t soared in over a month and you’ve awoken in the morning with a sour breadbasket. Take a bottle of our trademark cleaner to the nearest window and deeply inhale the horseradish fumes. Go for a lay on the couch and wake up to see your uterus has cleared itself of any possible inconvenience and also that your glass surfaces are now unimpeded by filth.
MAGDA (ENTER)
Accidents, not illness, are the leading cause of child deaths. Which is why our business model is curated to meet the fetus where it's at and see to it they end up in the toilet pan. Are you ready for your baby’s first rite of passage? Crawling? Climbing? Walking? I certainly hope not.
ZSA ZSA (ENTER)
You can trust your baby’s mortality to us. Become informed. We are ready to share our knowledge and expertise with you.
MAGDA
I'm reminded of my 1937 debut film, Modern Squirrels, in which I played matriarch squirrel, Paramour Nutz, a socialite and wife of acorn industrialist, Butter Nutz. When a human girl found our nest and got her smell on our squirrel children I was compelled by my biology to eat them, head to tail.
At the emotional climax of the film my husband leaves me because squirrels aren’t actually supposed to eat their young and it was then I realize what a horrible burden children are! This development of my character inspired change within me, the actress. I knew from then on my impetus in this life is to give options to those of us who loathe the invasive abortion and despise the displeasurable condom, but would rather be executed then enceinte.
EVA
How could we forget that film? It's underperformance was the catalyst for your fifth divorce and third suicide attempt.
MAGDA
You cannot hurt me Eva, I did those things for attention.
EVA
And it worked!
ZSA ZSA
Embryo-a-Go-Go. Your child’s safety is not important, we’ve dedicated our entire business to it.
MAGDA
Don’t allow a greedy doctor to take advantage of your fragile state and perform a traumatic and disturbing feticide. Allow us to load a stomach-level shotgun into your fridge, fill your car with malaria-sick mosquitos, or just kick you in the stomach really hard for a half hour; we’ll make sure to wear our nicest heels.
ZSA ZSA
Embryo-a-Go-Go. Solving overpopulation one miscarriage at a time.
THE COMPANIES LOGO, A BABY BLUE GRAPHIC IN HORSESHOES AND LEMONADE FONT TAKES UP THE SCREEN AS THE COMPANIES JINGLE PLAYS:
(IN THE TUNE OF BAND-AID BRAND) I am gone cause Gabortion girls helped my mom kill me.
FADE TO BLACK